If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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