Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
