I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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