That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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