I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
