i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
