remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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