She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
