I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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