His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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