a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
