Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
