i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
