My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
