I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
