Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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