I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
