I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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