Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
