Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
