Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
