I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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