we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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