i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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