I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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