She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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