I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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