Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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