So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
