there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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