You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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