too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
