So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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