just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
