I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
