I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
