I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
