i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
