the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize