i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
