My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
