mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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