ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
