She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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