You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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