my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
