If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize