OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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