OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
