Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
