Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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