Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
