I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
