This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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