I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The Olympian is in my bed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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