I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize