now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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