low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
