My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
