The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
