Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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