Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
