my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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