I accidentally had phone sex last night
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize