I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
