in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
