Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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