I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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