I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
