Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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